The Chamber of Parodies
by draco-is-the-punk
Summary: A collection of short HP parodies... R&R please!
1. Intro

Okay, this is basically a collection of short Harry Potter Parodies, usually one-shots or drabbles… they may make you laugh out loud and choke on your Twinkies, they may make you look confused, they may make you want to do the conga down the middle of the road. If you like humour, parody, craziness and Draco Malfoy in a tutu, read on! If not… hey, read on anyway! You got this far!

The fun starts on the next chapter! So please, read and review!

By the way, I do not own Harry Potter etc etc; I merely own my own twisted imagination.

These stories may, and probably will, contain slash and innuendos. They also contain moderate drug usage and mild language.

Have fun, kids!!


	2. Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stoned

**Harry Pothead and the Philosophers Stoned**

Harry Pothead yawned, and got out of bed. He went downstairs to find his aunt and uncle sitting at the kitchen table.

"Harry, eat your breakfast and we'll go into town to get your uniform for Stonewall High." his aunt Petunia told him, ladling kippers onto a plate. He scowled at her, sitting down next to his cousin.

"I'm not going to Stonewall, I told you! I'm a Jedi, and I need my training!"

His relatives exchanged worried looks.

"Harry hon, do you really think that you should be smoking all that cannabis? I mean, look at what happened to you parents…"

"My Old Toby leaf? Nay, 'tis as good for a Hobbit as Lembas are for the elves."

"I… thought you were a Jedi?"

"No, Hobbit all the way. The road goes ever on and on…!"

And with that bombshell, Harry went to his room to play with his pet sawdust collection. Petunia looked at Vernon, her lips pursed together. Then she picked up the phone.

_Ding Dong!!_

Harry ran to open the door, and stared open mouthed at the man who stood there.

"Oh my gosh, it's Santa, but without a white beard! Young Santa!" the dark haired teen announced, flinging himself at the stranger.

"Harry, I'm Mister Henderson."

"Pleased to meet you Hagrid." Harry said, his eyes wide. They went through into the kitchen.

"Now, Harry. We would like to offer you a place at Hagwurts Rehab Centre, to get you over your addiction. You have to understand this Harry, not all drugs are good. Some go bad. A few years back now, a drug went as bad as you can go. Its name was…"

The tall bearded man hesitated,

"Its name was ecstasy. Now, your mum and dad were as good as junkies could be; never hurting anybody through their recreational drug use. But then ecstasy came. It found its way into Godric's Hollow where you were all living. You were just a year old. It came to your house and…"

Harry looked expectantly up at him.

"…sorry, but it's that sad." Henderson said. "Anyway, ecstasy killed them. And here's the real mystery of the thing, it should have killed you, too. But it didn't. Ever wondered why you have that mark on your forearm? That's no ordinary cut. That's the mark when a hospital drip is attached to get you your fluids."

Harry was still looking confused.

"Took you from the hospital myself, on the clinic's orders. Brought you to this lot. But Harry, that's why you're famous among our type. You're the Boy-Who-Didn't-Die-From-an-Overdose."

Harry opened his green eyes wider, as Henderson continued.

"But now, this habit…"

He shook his head.

"You're a junkie, Harry."

He handed Harry a letter from Hagwurts, which Harry read quickly.

"He won't be going!" his uncle insisted. "We can put a stop to that rubbish ourselves."

"Shut up, you stupid muggle!" Harry yelled, his eyes shining.

"I'm a wizard?!" he said to Henderson. Henderson looked confused.

"I'm a wizard!" Harry yelled. He grabbed a lamp off the table and ran to the window. "Come Hedwig! Let us fly to Hogwarts School of Wizardry and be free!"

He jumped out of the window and fell. Henderson peered down after him.

"Ew." he remarked "That's why you don't do drugs, kids."

**This was written by me and my friend Josie one boring ICT lesson. Hope you enjoy!**


	3. My Bikey

Sirius' Bike (A parody on Greased Lightning)

Remus: This is what you spent all that cash on? A motorbike?

Sirius: Oh come on, she's beautiful!

James: audible cough

Sirius: Yeah James, and what do YOU drive? A Comet Twenty Nine? Why this bike could be mechanical  
It could be satanical  
It could be botanical  
Why it's my bikey (my bikey)

We'll get some shiny silver mud flaps and a black leather seat  
oh yeah  
(He's kidding, Pads you must be kidding)  
I'll spray it onyx black, it'll clean up a treat

Oh yeah  
(You've got no money, you just spent all your money)  
Roaring through the night faster than the speed of light  
Better than a broom, just feel the va-va-voom  
In my bikey

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

Go my bikey you're so fast I swear you can fly  
(my bikey go my bikey)  
Go my bikey you're flying through the midnight sky  
You are so cool, you'll rock the school, my bikey  
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go

I'll get some automatic brakes and thick treaded tyres  
oh yeah

(Remus and James: ooh ohh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
If you say that she sucks you're a really bad liar  
oh yeah

(Remus and James: ooh ohh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)  
A real smooth cruiser, we'll make Snape feel like a loser,

(to James)A little piece of heaven, she'll get you in with Evans  
my bikey

Go my bikey you're so fast I swear you can fly  
(my bikey go my bikey)  
Go my bikey you're flying through the midnight sky  
You are so cool, you'll rock the school, my bikey

Go my bikey you're so fast I swear you can fly  
(my bikey go my bikey)  
Go my bikey you're flying through the midnight sky  
You are so cool, you'll rock the school, my bikey

Bikey, bikey, bikey  
Bikey, bikey, bikey  
Bikey…


	4. This is Fan Fiction

**This is called Fan Fiction**

"Hey Harry!" Ron yelled "Come see what Hermione has!"

"Ooh!" Harry squealed "Is it cookies??"

The messy haired boy jumped onto his bed in excitement, and then tripped and fell flat on his face. Ron roared with laughter and hauled him to his feet.

"No, it's a compuyah!"

"Oh…" Harry said, disappointed. "Wait…a what?"

Ron looked confused.

"Compuyah… concordat… console… cabbage…"

"You sound like Jack Sparrow!" Harry laughed

"Ah… Johnny Depp…" Ron said. Both boys sighed deeply.

"Anyway, a WHAT?"

"What what?"

"What what?! The what Hermione's got!"

"Oh, _that _what! Sorry, it was just… Johnny Depp…"

Harry nodded understandingly.

"It's…" Ron struggled to explain "Muggle thing… box…"

"TV?"

Ron shook his head. He pointed to where Hermione was sitting, engrossed in a laptop.

"Ah!" Harry said. He walked over to her and looked over her shoulder.

"Whatcha looking at?"

"Oh!" Hermione said, quickly minimising the stills of Baywatch she had been downloading.

"Hey, what is this thing?" Ron asked, intrigued

"That would be _Google_, Ronald."

"You can search anything?"

"Pretty much…"

"So search me!" Ron said excitedly. Hermione burst out laughing.

"Ronald, this is a muggle computer. You are not a muggle. Therefore, you are unlikely to be listed on the muggle internet."

Ron frowned slightly, then leaned over her shoulder and typed in his name. He hit Return, and watched open mouthed as name after name came up.

"Probably some chicken farmer from Melbourne," Harry snorted. Hermione clicked on the nearest one.

"What the hell?"

Hermione skimmed the thing she had just clicked on.

"It's a page about Ron! The real Ron!" she gasped. Harry squinted closer and burst out laughing.

"Read this bit!! Blah blah blah… his _girlfriend_ Hermione Granger!"

Ron spluttered and Hermione looked dumb struck.

"It says _what_?"

"Uh… people? Did you not get the memo? I'm _gay_."

"We know, Ron."

"So very gay."

At that point Neville walked in and blew a kiss to Ron. Ron returned the gesture, and then swore at the computer.

"See!"

"A computer has no eyes, Ronald, and besides, how the heck is Neville in the Burrow anyway?"

"Plot device my dear Hermione, plot device."

"Ooh, what's this?" Harry said suddenly, pointing at a small link.

"Click here for Harry and Snape slash fan fiction… that sound interesting! Slash like with a knife? Maybe it's a fiction where Harry kills Snape!"

"No… that's not what slash is," Hermione said quickly, "No, don't click on it!"

Harry blinked, reading the story that had just popped upon screen.

_Harry looked up at the Potions Master with his smoky green eyes. Snape reached out to cup the teens head in his hands, and then kissed him fiercely on the mouth. Harry let out a small moan of pleasure…_

Then he gagged, and ran from the room. Ron spluttered with laughter.

"You can laugh, Ron, but wait till you read this…" Hermione said crisply, clicking on a small link entitled "DracoxRon, The Ferret and the Weasel."

Ron's jaw dropped as he scanned the story, and he gave a small squeak.

"The bastard! He said he'd never tell anybody about that night!" he hissed angrily. "Oh crap, I didn't say that out loud did I?" he asked hurriedly, seeing Hermione's horrified face. Harry came out of the bathroom, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and looking revolted. Hermione gave a tense giggle.

"Boys, this is called Fan Fiction."


End file.
